Here Goes Some Random Thoughts Tonight

Whoa. It's been a while. I didn't really have enough time to write anything lately because this guy I'm living with got his surgery and had to stay in bed for days, or weeks (?) One line popping up in my head recently is 'I MISS BEING ME'

Totally.

Dulu: Argh. That girl is a real biatch. I hate her. *went to Facebook or Twitter* *post or tweet "Bitch, ngaca dongggggg, rot in hell, fuck you"*

Now: Argh. That mother judges the way I'm raising my daughter while all she can do is cheap talk? *went to Facebook or Twitter* *post or tweet "Ndeso banget to koe mbak! Look at yourself before judging me & stop showing off!* *.........................* *delete it* (Yeah, lame).

Dulu: Berantem sama pacar, jealous nggak jelas. *went to Facebook or Twitter* *post or tweet lirik-lirik lagu mellow atau sinis yang bisa bikin pihak lain ngerasa kesindir* *puas*

Now: Berantem sama suami because I was born as a natural neat freak while he's NOT. *went to Facebook or Twiter* *post or tweet "Heran ya kembaliin barang di tempatnya aja nggak bisa, bisanya apa sih selain baca komik & foto-foto?"* *..............................* *delete it*

Dulu: Kuliah, ngopi-ngopi, mejeng di mall, nonton, belanja-belenji, cari makan, and so on and so forth outfitnya celana pendek & kaos (nggak ketat-ketat banget ah, tapi nggak gombor juga because I'm well aware I'm not that tall & slim *I was about to use the word 'kuntet', but SERIOUSLY? Kejelekan, Ges, kejelekan*. 

Now: Oh God knows how much I want to use short pants everywhere. Don't you guys think kalo celana pendek iyu sangat amat nyaman dan pewe dan bisa bikin kamu leluasa bergerak? But.. it came to my surprise that there are some people who feel irritated seeing me wearing short pants. Some said because now I'm a mom *so what?*. Some said that it's not appropriate *oh, come again?*. Others said yang namanya istri harus menjaga tubuhnya supaya hanya dilihat suami *padahal Adit sama sekali nggak masalah dengan my wearing short pants, NAH*.

Dulu: "Yeah, right, we can't please everyone. Haters are there to hate you, so why bother? The most important thing is make yourself happy & content. Fuck what others say. Mereka kan nggak kasi makan kamu, ngapain dipikirin?"

Now: Sebenernya kurang lebih masih sama kayak dulu, I mean the way I think. Tapi, rasa-rasanya sekarang 'dipaksa' buat lebih mikirin orang lain. Lebih mengorbankan perasaan dan kemauan sendiri juga, yang dalam konteks ini berarti berpikir 'Ah yaudah deh aku ngalah kali ini, nggak kumasukin hati deh, aku pake celana panjang deh, dan bla-bla-bla lain karena kan aku harus jaga perasaan dia, dia kan cuma pengen yang terbaik buat aku, aku kan harus belajar sabar juga, kan nothing to lose, dan ble-ble-ble lainnya. (Yeah, I know this part is a mess, whatever).

I know I'm so random right now. Who the H cares?

If you guys think that marriage is merely about loving each other, getting pregnant, giving birth, raising kids, feeding them, educating them, working your ass off to afford a decent living, you're deadly wrong, ladies & gentlemen. I used to think that it was as simple as that. I thought like "Oh, c'mmon, how difficult can it be? I used to win & this time I surely will." But something slapped me harshly and made me realize that I, too, was wrong. It's not that piece of cake. *Ya siapa juga yang bilang itu gampang?!*

I know that I haven't even been married for 2 years, but in less than 2 years, I've learned that I'm not really who I used to be. Jangan salah sangka dulu yak mas-mas dan mbak-mbak yang hobi ngejudge. *YEAH, YOU!* Bukannya nggak mau berubah lebih baik. Ada kok hal-hal yang jadi lebih baik sekarang, which isn't my focus here. Tapiih, banyak juga yang berubah. Yang belakangan ini paling kerasa adalah tentang ngepost apa yang aku pikirkan di sosial media dan cara berpakaian. Beneran ya kalo dulu itu mau ngemeng apa aja tinggal tulis. Sekarang? Err. Harus mikirin tante ini om itu bibi A paman B dan seterusnya. Mikir banyak kali 'Duh nanti apa yang aku tulis nyinggung perasaannya nggak ya? Duh nanti apa yang aku tulis dianggap nggak sopan dan kurang ajar nggak ya?" dan pikiran-pikiran lain sebangsanya. Sama halnya dengan cara berpakaian kalau mau bepergian. Dulu tinggal celana pendekan. Sekarang kalau mau pake celana pendek adalah wajib hukumnya untuk mikir 'Duh nanti dia mikir aku terlalu terbuka nggak ya? Nanti dia ngerasa aku vulgar nggak ya? Nanti dia bilang aku kurang sopan nggak ya?" dan sebagainya. Tentang yang pertama tadi, what you write in social media, I understand that it is good to consider what others might feel about what you write. But, (you might think it's a justification, go ahead) kalau pada dasarnya kamu adalah orang yang vokal, blak-blakan, terbuka, dan lantang menyerukan apa yang ada di pikiranmu, hal itu bakal sangat amat menyiksa. Really! And I do feel that. It sucks. Sometimes we just miss being ourselves, right? Paling males harus mikir 1000 kali sebelum ngepost sesuatu. Padahal rasanya pengen curhat dan muntah uneg-uneg saat itu juga. Tapi yah itu tadi, karena harus mikir 1000 kali, jadi melempem mau curhatnya. Pasti pada mikir 'ya curhat lah sana sama temen.' Hey, lakuin itu nggak segampang ngemengnya! Mau curhat jalan sama sahabat, kapaaannnn? Emang bisa gitu keluar sewaktu-waktu? Terus apa kabar anak yang harus disuapin, diterapiin, ditidurin? Apa kabar piring-piring yang belum dicuci? Apa kabar kerjaan materi yang deadlinenya mepet? Curhat di BBM? Kalau pengen curhat saat itu juga, belum tentu yang dicurhatin lagi free. Nunggu dari 'D' jadi 'R' malah bikin tambah bete. Curhat di SMS? Boros. See? Jadi ya itulah kenapa jadi pengen random ngepost or ngetweet isi hati. Sometimes yang dibutuhkan ibu-ibu yang seharian udah cape itu cuma nulis atau sukur-sukur ngomong random apa yang dirasain *at least for me*

Jadii, kalau ada dari kamu kamu kamu yang mikir "Yaelah jadi ibu rumah tangga doank, kerja di rumah doank, susahnya apa sih?", kalau belum pernah ngerasain, diem aja. *IYA, MINGKEM AJAA!*

Then, this you-should-wear-appropriate-outfit issue. Ah. Dari awal juga emang udah beda kan cara kita menerjemahkan kata 'appropriate'? Sekarang harus mikir perasaan, pikiran, dan pandangan orang lain tentang apa yang dipakai itu... susah. Why? Here goes some reasons. First, I do what believe is right and I fail to understand why short pants are seen crap. Second, my parents allow me to wear anything. That makes me grow up believing the idea of 'okay i can wear whatever I wanna wear.' Third, as stated before, short pants are comfy as hell. Fourth, bahkan kalau mama agak keberatan aku mau pakai celana pendek, aku tetep nekat dan finally beliau oke-oke aja. Fifth, my husband doesn't mind it. Those 5 reasons actually have given me more than enough justification to wear short pants. But, yeah, I know things change, right? 

Oh. Ada lagi.

Ternyata mengambil jalan tengah dari banyak pendapat yang berasal dari dua kepala itu lumayan susah ya. I used to be the decision maker. I choose what's best for me. Now I have to consider other's opinion, too (in this case my husband's). It still feels weird to do his decision or plan *Honey, I'm sorry to write this, I'm just being honest*. My husband always says that I'm so full of myself. I guess he's right. HAHA. Then I began to wonder of how many years it'll take to unite my thoughts and his. Just a random thought, that one. Oh, not to mention that shocked feeling when I found out any weird, stupid, annoying, or irritating habit of my husband. Sometimes one small thing can make us argue a whole night. Shame. But so far the most irritating part is when he doesn't fulfill his promises and he doesn't put things where they should be. When the mood is light and happy, it feels fun. But anyway, maybe some of you think "Salah siapa kawin gak pake pacaran. Tau rasa kan sekarang."

Here's my answer, "KALO PACARAN MALAH KAMI GA BAKAL KAWIN. YAKIN. LAGIAN SITU PACARAN LAMA BATAL KAWIN JUGA KAN?"

What a relieve. Lumayan banget malam ini bisa nulis random things kayak gini. HAHA.

Marriage is fun, guys. It's not that scary as you probably think.
But, when it comes to moments when you have to count other family members' opinion or consideration for what you do, say, or wear,
it.. S****.


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